I realized that it was time for a new journal, because all of a sudden, the words in that last one don't apply at all anymore.

First of all, just to keep this on topic, I think I'm going to clean out my gallery and start putting up some of the better photographs I have. Despite the fact that I still hate myself a little just for being on this website, I haven't found a better one, or the motivation or go looking for one. There's this and flickr and I guess that's all I need. I haven't taken pictures in a long ass time and it's driving me a little crazy, but I'll figure it out. I am making other things, at least.

Then, to sort of... go on from what I was saying before. Or to give you all an update on my life or whatever, which nobody probably cares about but I want to mention anyway.
I'm no longer hopeless and miserable. In fact, right now I think I'm the happiest I've ever been. All I needed was someone to prove to me that I could have hope again for anything, that I will meet people who aren't disappointing, that I will get out of this town, that I will have things to look forward to, that I won't always be angry. I don't think I had ever been that sad before, I was so lost. All I needed was one thing to prove that to me, thats all I asked for - and I got it.

Not that I'm saying I'm completely hanging on this one person, that my happiness is contingent on him being a part of my life, but I just think it's so crazy that now I believe that can happen, that right when you need it most you could meet the single most incredible person in your life and that alone is enough to give you hope. All I had to do was put it out there that I needed something, and I got it. For me, it means more than hope; it means something to look forward to every single day, someone to talk to, and that I will have somewhere to go, if I choose to leave by next year. Which I'm really trying my hardest to do.

It also means that I've been happy - not just content, but happy; I've been busy, I've been making art and doing my homework and time has felt like it's actually passing. I can smile again. My face hurts from smiling so much. I haven't felt alone in three weeks. For the first time in so long.

I guess more than anything, I just wanted everyone to know two things. One, I didn't kill myself. Two, hold on, it works. I know that when you're in a place where you need to do that, hearing about how everyone else is doing great doesn't really help, but there are far too many things that exist in this world for you to stay sad forever. Something good is going to happen. I knew this before, and I'd forgotten about it because I was so angry. But when you have nothing else to hold onto, just hold onto yourself as best you can and wait it out. Because you're human, and thats what we do, and you can make it.

I like to think that maybe someone needs to hear that right now, and thats why I want so badly to put it into words. Things still make me angry, but I no longer have this overwhelming feeling that I will be stuck here forever because I know I won't. We all find an out. We just have to know what to ask for.